


Together, Apart

by riselioness



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Original Trilogy, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy
Genre: Boundaries, F/M, Gen, I got REALLY angry with Obi-Wan writing this, SObiweek, We are brave your highness, confused friendship, less-than-perfect Obi-Wan, sabewan, sobiwan, sobiweek2019
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-09
Updated: 2019-06-15
Packaged: 2020-04-23 15:14:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 13,288
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19153591
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/riselioness/pseuds/riselioness
Summary: Eight vignettes (varying lengths and styles) covering aspects of Sabé and Obi-Wan’s relationship from shortly after TPM to after ROTJ. They follow on from The Decoy, which tells the events of TPM through Sabé’s eyes.





	1. The Parting

**Author's Note:**

> THANK YOU handmaiclen and khaleesa/mrstater for putting on ANOTHER Sobiweek. I’m over the moon that this is happening again! I started these fics during Sobiweek 2018, and given how slowly I normally write, I can’t believe I’ve actually finished them. I’ll be posting one a day during Sobiweek (with two short ones on one day).
> 
> Canon-wise, as well as the films I’m drawing partly on the Clone Wars and other canon sources (via Wookiepedia…) but won’t be fully canon-compliant.
> 
> Disclaimer: no one and nothing in this is mine.

_Six months to a year after the Battle of Naboo, after Obi-Wan and Anakin have returned to Coruscant_

  

 

At first, it wasn’t so bad. She missed him, of course - she missed him so badly it was like wearing a second skin - but he spent most of his time on Coruscant with Anakin at the Temple, and they were able to speak fairly regularly over holo.

She watched him change. In their early holos he shared his uncertainties and insecurities over training Anakin. He questioned every decision he made, every word he spoke, every action he took. But gradually, with experience and the guidance of older Jedi at the Temple, his confidence grew.

She told him what she could about her duties as a handmaiden, about her life with her sisters at the Palace. She told him with pride how Padmé was growing as a leader, and becoming ever more beloved by her people. Padmé and Anakin weren’t often able to speak to each other, and she and Obi-Wan passed on their messages.

He told her he loved her, with his words, with his eyes, with the warmth in his voice, with the trust he placed in her.

*** 

As Anakin’s training progressed, Obi-Wan began to be sent on more assignments offworld, and he took his apprentice with him. It became more difficult to talk. Obi-Wan’s moments of privacy became rarer, and communication channels weren’t always reliable. When they could speak, they often didn’t have visuals.

She heard him change. He had grown into the role of master, but he was often weary with the demands of his assignments, and those of training Anakin. More and more Sabé sensed he had something on his mind, something that was worrying him, but when she asked him he just told her it was Jedi business.

She told him of the growing tensions between Padmé and Panaka, as the captain’s views became increasingly militaristic. Obi-Wan told her how the Council had said his apprentice needed to distance himself from Padmé, and had instructed him to at first limit their conversations, and then end them altogether. Sabé was at first angry at Obi-Wan for obeying the Council, and then simply perplexed. Padmé however, accepted the ruling with sadness but without protest - the boy had been becoming less and less a part of her life for some time. Sabé often told Obi-Wan Padmé’s news, so he could pass it on to Anakin if he choose. As time went on this became a greater proportion of what they talked about.

He told her he loved her, but she could hear in his voice that his attention was elsewhere.

***

In time they gave up speaking to each other almost completely, and communicated mainly through writing. Their letters became shorter, and the intervals between them longer.

She felt him change. He no longer confided in her - he still wrote of Anakin’s progress, but she had no sense of how he felt about it.

She told him her sisters’ news, how Rabé was engaged and Saché was leaving the Queen’s service to train to be a doctor. She told him she missed him.

He no longer told her he loved her.

***

Finally, one morning he contacted her over holo. He said he didn’t have much time to talk now, but he would be on Coruscant for a few weeks, and was there any way she could meet him here?

Padmé gave her a week’s leave. She packed a bag, and was on a transport to Coruscant that evening. Yané took her to the port, and held her tightly before seeing her onto the ship.

She and Obi-Wan met at a quiet café not far from the Temple. They talked stiltedly about nothing. She nervously sipped at her caf and drank it too quickly, leaving her with just the cup to fiddle with. He didn’t touch his.

Finally she asked him what he wanted to say, and he told her.

As a Jedi youngling, Obi-Wan had been taught along with his fellows that romantic attachments weren’t permissible for a Jedi. When he became Qui-Gon’s apprentice, and when he’d reached a suitable age, Qui-Gon began to gently challenge that view. Romantic relationships of mutual love and respect could be a great blessing to those involved, help them grow, and enable them to serve others in new ways. He gave his apprentice examples of Jedi he knew who had loving, committed relationships, and yet wholeheartedly served the Order and the galaxy.

Obi-Wan listened, and questioned, and researched, and deliberated. He concluded that there was no reason a Jedi shouldn’t love, if that love was kind and unselfish, and didn’t prevent them from serving the Order. So when he met Sabé and they fell in love, he entered wholeheartedly into that love. The Council largely turned a blind eye to their relationship, and one or two even privately let him know he had their approval.

But after he returned to Coruscant, as he progressed in Anakin’s training, things changed. He often consulted other Jedi, seeking their advice on how to train his unusual apprentice. Obi-Wan keenly felt his own youth and inexperience, and was grateful for the generous support of the other Jedi, who had loved and admired Qui-Gon - regardless of how much they had agreed or disagreed with his some of his more unorthodox beliefs.

These conversations naturally evolved into wider-ranging discussions of Jedi teaching, and Obi-Wan became more and more aware that he was in the minority when it came to his views on romantic attachments. Most Jedi held that they were unhelpful distractions at best, and dangerous entrapments at worst.

So once again, Obi-Wan listened, and questioned, and researched, and deliberated. Doubts were sown, took root, and grew.

Finally, he concluded that he had been wrong - Jedi should not form romantic attachments, and his relationship with Sabé was impermissible.

He was sorry, for all this. He was sorry he had to end it. He was sorry he hadn’t spoken to her earlier, but he honestly hadn’t known how. He knew he had hurt her.

Sabé didn’t feel hurt. She felt numb.

She didn’t remember how their conversation ended. She didn’t remember when he left, or how she got to the apartment that Padmé’s office had arranged for her. She didn’t remember what she said to Padmé or to her sisters but she must have told them enough, because Rabé was there to meet her at the spaceport, and she took her straight to the Naberrie family retreat at Lake Varykino.

Sabé stepped off the boat onto the jetty and promptly started crying. She didn’t remember when she stopped.

***

In fact, Sabé didn’t remember much of the months following her last meeting with Obi-Wan. She knew she spent most of that time at the Varykino retreat, and that either her mother or one of her sister handmaidens always stayed at the villa with her. But she didn’t remember what she did, or what she said. And only very rarely could she bring herself to remember what she felt. 

***

Slowly - so, so slowly - she recovered. More or less. She returned to Theed, and gradually resumed her duties. Once she caught herself laughing at one of Saché’s jokes and almost choked, but as time went on found she could laugh. More than that, she wanted to.

She never told her sisters how often she thought about Obi-Wan, but she had a feeling they knew. Her pain never truly went away, but in time she realised it was no longer holding her back.

When Rabé married her childhood sweetheart, Sabé finally accepted her sisters’ gentle offers to arrange introductions with potential suitors. They were all good, kind, charming young men, and Sabé tried her best, but she could never feel towards them anything more than friendly goodwill.

Only when an up-and-coming young officer from offworld, on Naboo at Panaka’s invitation, saved her life during a training exercise gone wrong, did Sabé rediscover feelings that had lain dormant since Obi-Wan left. Before long they were engaged, but when his swift and ruthless handling of a rare hostage situation lead to the deaths of the gunman, a hostage and two bystanders, Sabé broke off the engagement. Beneath her hurt, and her guilt at having ignored the warning signs, she found she felt relief. Although she never admitted it to anyone, she had never quite been able to shake the feeling that she was being unfaithful to Obi-Wan.

And so she settled in to life as a single person and was, on the whole, content. She was happy in her role as a handmaiden, and when Padmé moved on she gladly accepted Jamillia’s offer to join the new Queen’s service. She enjoyed the companionship and mutual support of her sister handmaidens and friends, and if she sometimes missed having a partner it was only rarely, and not for long.

When thoughts of Obi-Wan arose, she pushed them gently but firmly away. He belonged to her past, had no place in her present, and would be no part of her future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don’t expel me from Sobiweek for inflicting a Sobi-breakup on you on the first day! :S If you’ve read The Decoy and wondered what happened after the “golden summer” on Naboo, this is the less-than-golden answer…


	2. The Reunion

_One year to six months before the Separatist Crisis_

 

 

_Padmé Amidala Naberrie to Sabé Mesada_

Dearest Sabé,

It was such a joy to speak to you the other day. One of the costs of senatorial office is that it allows very little time to stay in touch with those I care about, even my oldest and dearest friends such as yourself. Speaking to you, even over holo, made me realise how much I miss your wisdom, your sense of humour, and your insight. You have a way of looking at people, and of discerning the motivations between their thoughts and behaviour, which I always valued as Queen.

In fact, I have been thinking for some time about putting a proposition to you. Maybe I should have asked you when we spoke, but I didn’t want you to feel under pressure. I thought it might be better if I wrote to you, so you can consider it in your own time.

What I want to ask you is: would you consider coming to join me on Coruscant as one of my aides? The situation with the Separatists is becoming more and more complex, and I’m in need of fresh eyes. There are so many factions involved, so many interlocking allegiances and motivations and agendas, and I keep tying myself in knots with it all. I need someone to come from outside and look at things with a new perspective.

But more than that, Sabé, I need a friend. I have Dormé, Cordé and Versé of course, but Cordé has only recently joined my service and, as I told you, Versé is considering moving on. As for Dormé, she has a tendency to mother me, and you know how much I love that. And I’ve been increasingly realising how much I’ve been shaped by everything that happened during my time as Queen. To have someone around who has gone through all that with me would mean more than I can say.

I see Eirtaé from time to time both professionally and socially, but since she left my service we’ve never really been close. I’m happy for her, of course, and besides, I never expected her to stay with me that long. She’s been preparing for a career in politics all her life, and goodness knows we’d all benefit from an honest Veruna in high office - and perhaps the Verunas most of all.

Saché can’t come of course, she needs to finish her med training. Maybe Rabé or Yané could, but to tell you the truth, Sabé, I just want you. I miss you, and I really want your company and your advice. Is that selfish? I know you have your own life in Theed and I don’t want to ask you to leave it behind for me - except that I really, really do.

I know how much you love Naboo, but I do think you could be happy here on Coruscant. There’s a sizeable community of Naboo expatriates, and the range of libraries, museums and cultural events that you only find on Core worlds. And I wouldn’t ask you to stay by my side forever - I know you would move on when the time is right.

I’ve enclosed all the details, but if I’ve missed anything or if something’s not clear, just ask. I’d need to negotiate your salary with the staffing committee, and it would probably be lower than what you earn now, but the post comes with a good apartment near my building, and plenty of perks.

I’ve not mentioned this to Jamillia, as I wanted to see what you thought of it first. If you want to join me on Coruscant I’ll ask her blessing, and her permission for you to be released early from your notice period, if you agree. I know she’s found your service essential in training her handmaidens, but now both she and they are established, I’m sure she’d be happy for you to move on.

Well, think on it.

Your ever-loving friend,

Padmé

 

 

~

 

 

_Sabé Mesada to Padmé Amidala Naberrie_

Darling Padmé,

It didn’t take much thinking.

Speak to Jamillia; I’ll be on a transport the moment she says yes.

I’d write more, but there’s no need now - I will see you very soon.

With my love, always,

Sabe

 

 

~

 

 

_Sabé Mesada to Yané Tenda_

My dear Yané,

I’m sorry it’s been so long since I last wrote. Padmé’s been keeping me busy, as you’d imagine. She wasn’t exaggerating when she talked about how bad things are with the Separatists. I’ll tell you more about it another time - my head’s aching with it all right now, and trying to explain it is the last thing I need before I go to bed.

I see Eirtaé sometimes. Did you know she and Quarsh are expecting their first baby? It’s still early days so keep it to yourself, but she was happy for me to tell you. I wonder how her family will react. They’ve never forgiven Quarsh for his part in exposing their misdeeds, and you know they almost disowned Eirtaé when she married him.And now the Veruna line will continue with Panaka blood in its veins. I wonder if they’ll consider their first grandchild worth that price . . .

I’ve seen Obi-Wan a few times too, at one meeting or another. Life as a Jedi Knight seems to agree with him - he seems more assured than he ever was on Naboo. But I’m not sure he smiles as much.

Sometimes he brings Anakin with him. You wouldn’t recognise him now, he’s so tall, even a touch intimidating. He avoids talking to me, and I can tell he likes me less than ever. Do you remember that time you, Rabé and I sat round the fire at the Varykino house eating pastries and talking about why Anakin didn’t like me? You suggested he felt hurt and betrayed by Padmé's posing as a handmaiden and using me as her decoy, but he idolised her too much to be angry at her, so he transferred all those feelings to me. It made so much sense. I believed it then, and I think it’s still true now. Which is strange, really. Surely after all this time, and all his Jedi training, he would have moved on from all that? I think Obi-Wan has his hands full with him, just as he predicted he would.

Obi-Wan’s growing a beard. It suits him.

I’m actually going to see him next week. He suggested we get a caf together, and I found that I wanted to. And before you say anything, yes, I’ll be careful. I’m not going to put myself through all that again. I just think it will be helpful to talk to him. After all, if I’m going to keep running into him professionally it makes sense to meet personally, at least this one time, so we can say what needs to be said. Whatever that is

How are things with you? I can’t believe you’ve nearly finished your training. It hardly seems a moment ago you told us you wanted to be a pilot. I remember how nervous you were about telling us. But we’d all seen your face after Ric took you up in a starfighter - none of us were surprised.

Do you see much of Rabé these days? I wrote to her a while ago and didn’t get a reply, but I don’t want to hassle her. Padmé told me Jamillia has asked her to supervise the commissioning of a whole suite of outfits for Long Night - gown, headdress, handmaidens’ robes, the full works. I know it’s her biggest commission since she became wardrobe mistress, so I’m sure she’s very busy with that. If you do see her, send her my love. And Saché too.

Dormé is thriving on Coruscant. You remember she always seemed a little restless on Naboo - the pace of life here seems to suit her. I’m getting on well with Cordé- I think you’d like her too. It’s strange though, seeing her as decoy. I can’t help watching her, seeing the little mannerisms that give her away, and thinking that I could still do better, even though it’s been years since Padmé and I looked enough alike for that actually to be the case.

Tell me your news when you have time. I want to visit Naboo soon, but to be honest I don’t know when I’ll get the chance. If there’s any way for you to fit it into your leave, do come and visit us - we’d all love to see you.

All my love,

Sabé

 

 

~

 

 

_Sabé Mesada to Obi-Wan Kenobi_

Obi-Wan,

I’m glad you suggested we meet. It turned out we had a lot to say to each other, didn’t we?

I appreciated your honesty in telling me more about how your thinking developed after you left Naboo, although it was (as you saw) difficult for me to hear. You asked me what you should have done differently and I could see it wasn’t a rhetorical question; you really wanted to know. I said I would think about it, and tell you.

Well, I have been thinking about it, and I can’t for the life of me think of a way you could have acted that would have made it any better. It was a horrible, horrible situation, and there’s nothing you could have done to make it all right.

But, Obi-Wan, _you should have talked to me_. You went through a whole journey of changing your mind, but it didn’t just affect you, it affected me too, and you never said a word. I felt you drifting away, but you never gave me any hint of why until you’d made up your mind.

I’m not saying that if you’d talked to me it would have made things any easier. _But you should have talked to me._

But I can see you’ve changed since those days. We both have. And the fact that you sincerely asked me what you should have done differently makes me think you would handle the situation differently now, not that it’s going to happen again of course.

It really was good to see you. We’re both very different people now, and maybe we can move on from who we were back then, and what happened.

You asked, can we be friends? I’m not sure. But I’d really like us to try.

Sabé


	3. The Friendship

_During the Clone Wars_

 

 

Their renewed friendship had barely had the chance to be established when the Clone Wars broke out. As a Jedi General of the Grand Army of the Republic, Obi-Wan led campaign after campaign against the Separatist forces, investigated conspiracies and saved countless lives. Again and again he risked his life for the people he protected, and again and again he survived to return to Coruscant, and to Sabé.

As one of Senator Padmé Amidala’s most trusted aides, Sabé was busier now than she had ever been, even as the Queen’s handmaiden. Preparing speeches, delivering messages, receiving important guests, advising on everything from etiquette to logistics to personnel choices - Sabé never knew what Padmé would ask her to do next. At first she found the work energising, but as the war dragged on with no discernible hope of an end, a shadow seemed to creep closer and closer, and despair never seemed very far away.

The bright spots in those years were when Obi-Wan came to see her. They never had long together, but in those brief and infrequent meetings their friendship grew and deepened faster than either of them had expected. Sometimes he would comm her to say he was onworld, and could he come and see her; and sometimes she would return home after a long day to find him waiting outside her apartment. Soon Sabé trusted him with things she wouldn’t tell anyone else, and he confided in her his worries over Anakin, and his questioning of the Jedi Order.

The darkest times were when the holonews brought rumours - and sometimes even supposedly confirmed reports - of his death. In those times she barely ate or slept, in mortal dread that the reports were true, yet somehow convinced (in a way that she couldn’t explain) that she would know if he really was dead. Each time she found out he was indeed alive, it grew harder and harder to convince herself that she feared for him as a friend.

As she and Obi-Wan grew closer, her friendship with Padmé became more strained. Sabé sensed her friend was keeping something from her, and holding her at arm’s length to protect her secret. When Sabé finally learnt the truth about Padmé and Anakin’s marriage, Padmé refused to speak to her of it, beyond insisting that she keep it secret. Sabé agreed, reluctantly, and watched helpless as her friend gradually closed herself off from everyone who loved her. Everyone, that is, apart from her husband.

When Obi-Wan hinted to Sabé one evening that he knew his former Padawan’s secret, she poured out all her fears and concerns to him, and found that he shared them too. But if she had thought he would know what to do, she was mistaken - he had no more idea how to help than she did.

And amid all these anxieties and dangers a new fear arose.

It started when she saw holo footage of Obi-Wan escorting Satine Kryze, Duchess of Mandalore, after her ship arrived on Coruscant. The dashing General Kenobi was one of the darlings of the holonews, and she was used to broadcasts of his triumphant returns from one mission or another, and at first that was what she thought this was. But then the Duchess said something to Obi-Wan, and he replied, and her blood turned to lead. That precise tilt of his head, the smile playing round his lips, the slight lean of his shoulders - they were all too familiar to her.

Once she’d seen it, there was no going back. Each time she saw footage of them together she saw the telltale signs of an intimacy beyond friendship, convinced herself she was imagining things, doubted her own reassurance - and round and round in a cycle that drained and shamed her. She couldn’t bring herself to ask Obi-Wan about it, but the few times he mentioned Satine’s name were burned into her memory.

Despite everything, her time alone with Obi-Wan was her comforting, exhilarating, agonising refuge against the turmoil inside and around her. She never really let herself examine how things were between them. Whatever the truth was, she wasn’t sure she could bear it.


	4. The Line

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to those of you who have read, left kudos and commented so far, I'm really enjoying sharing my take on Sobiwan through the years with you all :)

_Two years into the Clone Wars_

 

 

It was late at night when he arrived at her apartment this time. She had just been about to go to bed when the buzzer went and his familiar cloaked form appeared at the door holo. While he made his way up she put the evening’s dishes on the side, straightened a cushion or two, and went to the entrance. The door slid open, and her greeting died on her lips.

“Go on, say it,” he said wearily.

“Obi-Wan, you look _terrible_.” Oil and mud smeared his face and his cloak, and blood was drying on his face and the backs of his hands. He was pale beneath the grime, and exhaustion showed in the lines of his face and the stoop of shoulders.

“You should see the other guy,” he replied, but she could tell his heart wasn’t in the quip. “Honestly, Sabé, it’s not as bad as looks. Most of the blood isn’t mine, and none of these cuts are deep. Anakin -” He stopped. “But I don’t want to talk about that. Anakin and I had a fight; that’s why I’m here.

She took a step back. “Did he - was this _him_?”

“No, no, nothing like that. A verbal fight. We caught the man we were after, then - but I _really_ don’t want to talk about it. I can’t face going back to the Temple just yet - I just want to be here, with you, if that’s alright?”

Sabé nodded, not trusting herself to speak, and beckoned him in. Normally he would come straight in and make them both a caf, or something stronger, but this time he just stood there, looking unseeing around the room. She’d never seen him like this before, and cast around for something to say or do, anything that might help at all.

“Is there anything I can do? I can’t offer you a change of clothes, but won’t you at least have a shower? You know it will help.”

“To be honest, Sabé, what I’d love is a bath, if that’s possible?”

“Of course. Sit here and get yourself a drink, and I’ll go and run you one. You can leave your cloak with me, I’ll see what I can do.” She ventured a cautious joke. “To be honest, I’m surprised you’ve managed to keep hold of it this time.”

He smiled, just barely. “So am I, really.”

She went to draw the bath, and took a few moments to gather - then rebuke - herself as the steaming water filled the tub. When she returned to the lounge, she found Obi-Wan had taken off his cloak and boots and was sitting in his usual chair, nursing a brandy. His cloak, neatly folded, hung over a dining chair, and it gave her heart the strangest little jolt to see his boots lined up by her front door.

He didn’t look up until she spoke. “It’s ready when you are.”

He blinked up at her for a moment, then seemed to hear what she had said. He put down his brandy and stretched out his limbs wearily. “Thank you.” As he passed her, he paused and took her hand. Her fingers felt very warm in his unusually cold palm. “I mean it, Sabé. Thank you. You can’t know how much it means to me to be here right now.”

Her heart was still fluttering when the 'fresher door closed behind him, and she busied herself with his cloak. The oil stains would need a proper laundering to remove, but the mud had dried and with some effort she managed to brush most of it off.

She had just laid it back over the chair when Obi-Wan re-emerged in his undertunic and trousers, towelling off his hair. He returned her smile, and his was a proper smile now. “You were right, I needed that.”

He gave his hair a final rub, then set the towel aside, making an ineffectual attempt to smooth down his hair. Now he was clean, she could see that the cuts on his face were indeed nowhere near as bad as they had first seemed. They had stopped bleeding, and one of them already seemed to be starting to close up.

He caught her inspecting him, and ran a finger alongside the longest cut, which slanted across his forehead. “You see? Not even this one will leave a scar. I’ll have nothing to show from this particular mission.” His face darkened again.

“Are you sure you don’t want to talk about it?”

“Very.” He crossed over to the drinks cabinet, refilled his glass, then gestured to her with another. “You’ll have one?” She nodded, and he poured her a measure. It was jogan fruit brandy, the best spirit she had, and one she rarely drank.

Sabé moved to join him, took the glass and raised it to her lips. She closed her eyes as the warmth spread through her. She’d forgotten how good this stuff was. She opened her eyes to find Obi-Wan watching her. “What?”

“Nothing,” he replied with a smile. Then, “I was thinking about the first time you tried that particular brandy.”

She laughed and took another sip. “The baroness gave you a bottle after you saved her niece, even though you insisted you couldn’t accept it. She refused to take no for an answer, so you took it and gave it to me instead.”

“And we drank it by the lake, while the others were at Sio Bibble’s reception. The stars were very bright that night.” From the softness in his eyes, she knew he remembered it as well as she did - it was the first time he told her he loved her. It wasn’t just the brandy that warmed her, then or now.

He set down his glass on the cabinet, then reached over to take hers as well. He turned back to her, and was suddenly very close. She’d forgotten what it was like to be this near to him. His eyes searched her face, and his breath was warm on her skin.

He took a tiny step forward, and, in a reflex she didn’t know she had, she took one back. The moment between them held, then she took another step back and she could think again. One more step and she was at a safe distance. He held her gaze across the space between them, which seemed wider than it had been for years.

“What is this, Obi-Wan?” she whispered. “You don’t want to go home, so you come here instead. You’ve fallen out with your best friend, and you won’t tell me anything, you just expect me to - be whatever it is you’re expecting me to be. And I know that look in your eyes.”

He didn’t speak and he didn’t look away, and in his silence she found all at once the courage to voice the thoughts that had been circling in her mind for months. “You come and see me almost every time you’re back. You confide in me, and I in you. We know things about each other that I’m sure no one else does. And this isn’t the first time you’ve nearly kissed me, and you know it. What’s going on, Obi-Wan? Have you changed your mind about Jedi and love?”

He looked down. “I - I don’t know. Maybe.”

She was suddenly very, very angry. “‘Maybe’? How _dare_ you. You changed your mind once before, and it _broke_ me. Do you know how long it took me to rebuild my life, to rebuild _myself_ after that? I don’t know if I have it in me to do that again. ‘Maybe’ might be enough for you, but how _dare_ you think it would be enough for me.”

He met her gaze again, his blue eyes filled with sorrow. She braced herself. If they were having this conversation, then they were having _all_ of it. Before she lost her nerve, she asked, “And what about the Duchess of Mandalore?”

“What do you mean?”

“You _know_ what I mean, Obi-Wan. I watch the holonews, and I try not to but I can’t help seeing the gossip segments sometimes. And don’t think I haven’t noticed that when she’s on Coruscant, it takes you longer to come and see me when you’re back.”

He suddenly looked tired and old.He turned back to the drinks cabinet, topped up his glass and took it back to his chair without looking at her. He sank into the chair and sat staring into his glass.

Sabé stood and watched him, clenching and unclenching her fists and clinging tight to her anger. She would _not_ let him diffuse it just by delaying.

Finally he spoke, still looking into his glass. “The Duchess of Mandalore and I are friends.”

“Don’t lie to me Obi-Wan. Whatever else you’ve done over the years, you never lied to me. Don’t you dare start now.”

He looked up at her, the lines on his brow and round his eyes deeper than ever. “It’s true. Sabé. Satine and I aren’t lovers. We were, once, a long time ago, but that ended before I met you. Now we are - close.”

So it was as bad as she had feared. “Close?” Sabé whispered. “Like you and I are close?”

He nodded, once. “Like you and I are close.”

She couldn’t look at him. She turned to the window and gazed out over the Coruscant nightscape, blinking back the tears that blurred the city lights. The pain that she had been holding at bay since he walked back into her life now threatened to overwhelm her. She took one deep, shuddering breath and turned back to him.

“I can’t do this, Obi-Wan. I can’t be your friend. I wish I could, and I’ve been trying so hard for so long, but I can’t.”

He took a breath as if to speak, then buried his head in his hands. His shoulders started to shake, and with horror Sabé realised he was crying. She didn’t dare move. If she went to him now she would lose all her resolve, and she couldn’t let that happen. So she just stood watching as his shoulders heaved, and his tears crept through his fingers and ran down into his sleeves.

Finally his breathing slowed. He wiped his tears away with the heel of his hand, rubbed his face with his sleeve, and looked up at her. “I’m sorry, Sabé, he whispered. “I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t say it.” When had she started crying? “Don’t say it. Just go.” She had never seen him look so lost. “I mean it, Obi-Wan. You have to respect me in this. Go.”

He stood, and for a few awful heartbeats Sabé thought he was going to come to her, to confess his love and beg her forgiveness. Then he turned away, and went to gather up the rest of his clothes from where they lay over the dining chair. Still in silence, and without meeting her eyes, he dressed, and put on his boots.

The door hissed open, and as he stepped over the threshold Sabé remembered he was at war. He’d cheated death more times than she knew, but who knew when his luck would run out? They had to part, but she couldn’t risk her last words to him being words of anger.

“Obi-Wan -” He looked back, and she hesitated. “May the Force be with you,” she whispered.

He nodded, then turned, and walked out of her life for a second time.


	5. The Confession

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Buckle up kids, it's time to hear Obi-Wan's side of things...

_The final months of the Clone Wars, after the fall of Mandalore_

 

 

_Obi-Wan Kenobi to Sabé Mesada_

 

Sabé,

I thought long and hard before writing this to you. There are things I know need to say to you, but I’m not so sure you need to hear them. You deserve the truth, I know - but more than that, you deserve to have peace. When you ended our friendship it was because you knew that was what you needed to have peace, and I knew I needed to respect your choice. I don’t want to disturb that peace now, and certainly not if I am just writing for the self-gratification of unburdening my own thoughts.

But I know you have always preferred truth to being left in ignorance for an easy life. I have made many mistakes in our relationship over the years, but failure to communicate fully has been one of the recurring ones. And so, in the end, I decided to write this. Read it, ignore it, erase it - whatever you need to do. I hope you read it.

Firstly, I wanted to thank you for your kind words after the events on Mandalore. Not many people thought to send me condolences when Satine died, and I was very touched when you were one of them. After everything, I know that can’t have been an easy message to write. I’m sorry I didn’t reply. The truth is I had no idea what to say.

I had been doing a lot of thinking in the months leading up to Satine’s death, and I have been doing a lot of thinking since. I wanted to write to you to tell you about it, partly to explain where I was before we parted, partly because after all I’ve put you through you deserve it, and partly because - well, you will see.

You asked me, that night, if I had changed my mind about Jedi and love. I said I wasn’t sure. The truth is, I was in the middle of changing my mind, but I wasn’t quite there yet.

I don’t really know how best to go about this, so I’ll start with when we first met and fell in love. Back then, my my life wasn’t easy - a Jedi’s life is never easy - but it was, insofar as it could be, relatively straightforward, and I knew my place in life. I was Qui-Gon’s apprentice, and his guidance and teaching were the stars I set my course by. He had taught me that romantic love was perfectly permissible for Jedi, provided that these relationships never became attachments that took priority over a Jedi’s devotion to the Code and to the Order.

And so when I met you, and when we fell in love, I welcomed our love with no thought of complications. I had - I’m not sure if you knew - previously been in love with Satine when Qui-Gon and I had been assigned to protect her, but I had sensed an attachment there that could have compromised my allegiance to the Order, and so I walked away. With you I sensed the Force working in a way that increased my awareness of the Living Force, and I knew that loving you would make me a better person and a better Jedi. That was true, at first, though I have made many, many mistakes since then.

But Qui-Gon died, and I became Anakin’s master. He was - and still is - kindhearted, generous and brave beyond most people I have known, but he was also - and still is - stubborn, reckless, and quick to embrace all the emotions that come his way. As a Padawan he would have been a challenge to anyone, and I was barely more than a Padawan myself - although I was too proud to see it.

At first, on Naboo, things seemed to go well. My training of Anakin was only loosely structured, and mainly consisted of teaching him the fundamental tenets of the Jedi Code, and - just as you suggested - building our relationship and strengthening the bond between us.

But things changed when we got to Coruscant. Anakin’s training became more structured and more intensive, and he struggled with the transition. He had throughout his life been used to hard work, work that permeated all his waking hours, and so the rigour of the Jedi life was not the shock to him that it would have been had he been permitted a more normal, healthy childhood. But from the moment he stepped through the Temple doors as a Padawan he was singled out as being different from everyone else, and he never really managed to adjust to his new life. I suppose we never really let him.

He was very old to start his training. Younglings half his age knew twice as much, and not just in terms of Jedi teachings but also in general education. Literacy, numeracy, science, history - in everything he was far behind his age group, and while he was astonishingly quick to learn and caught up much faster than any of us expected, and while his peers on the whole treated him with kindness and understanding, these things only seemed to increase his sense of being an outsider.

But all this I think he could have adapted to, had it not been for his extraordinary strength in the Force, and the way the Council responded to him. He worked hard to learn control over his power, and while still a Padawan he emerged as one of the most skilled Jedi in the Order, despite the aspects of his personality and character that troubled me, and that still trouble me. Some of the Council favoured him and singled him out for special teaching and encouragement, but most had opposed his training from the beginning and did not always attempt to hide this. Anakin was in an unenviable position from the start, and despite all my concerns I am extraordinarily proud of him and of the Jedi and man he has become. 

Anakin needed clear expectations and boundaries, but he also railed against them. I struggled every day to know how best to train him, nurture him, love him. I was young and inexperienced and in need of guidance, and I found it in the wisdom of my older brothers and sisters in the Order. While many Masters disagreed with the decision to allow Anakin to be trained, and more were undecided, I found many who were willing to support me, out of compassion for me and the necessity of training Anakin well now the decision had been taken. Not a few were also admirers (if not entirely approving) of my late Master, and keen to both honour and further his legacy.

So I had no shortage of older Jedi to turn to for advice. Initially I sought their counsel regarding how best to train Anakin, but our talks naturally moved on to more general discussions - on history, philosophy, morality. I came to realise just how much Qui-Gon’s views diverged from Jedi orthodoxy in how many areas. I came to question what he had taught me about many things - including romantic love. And, as you know, my view gradually came to align with more conventional Jedi teaching.

I’m not sure if I ever fully gave you my justifications for my change of heart. I think I probably told myself that explaining it would cause you unnecessary additional pain, but I realise now the discomfort I was avoiding was my own.

I came to believe, along with the majority of my brothers and sisters, that romantic love leads to attachments of a kind impermissible for Jedi. That loving someone in that way would cause a Jedi to prioritise them over their duties to the Order. That the wounds caused when such relationships end can severely hinder a Jedi in their service to the Order and to the galaxy. I now see the errors in these ways of thinking, but that is what I believed then. 

I also believed that when a Jedi forms a relationship with a non-Jedi, the ending of that relationship typically causes greater harm to the non-Jedi. When Jedi enter into romantic relationships, the ties formed are very strong, because of Force bonds and all they involve. Not having a Jedi’s knowledge and experience of the Force, it can be very difficult for the non-Jedi to recover from the severing of that bond, and sometimes they remain entangled in that connection, unable to truly move on.

In all honesty I don’t know if I have changed my mind about this last point. But I don’t think it necessarily means that a Jedi should never form a relationship with a non-Jedi, if both people understand and accept the risks involved.

I am very aware that this was not the case with you and me. I was ignorant and careless. I underestimated or even ignored the risks, and that is inexcusable. I do not know if your experience mirrors what I have described, and I sincerely hope that it doesn’t, but regardless of anything I know I have caused you deep and unnecessary pain.

I have spent a lot of time reflecting on the real reasons I changed my thinking on love after I left Naboo. I have come to believe that my position as Anakin’s master influenced the conclusions I came to, and the speed at which I came to them. Anakin was difficult to train, and he needed clear guidance. With hindsight, I believe this led me to reach conclusions when I should have spent longer in the tension and uncertainty of questioning what I believed. On reflection I simply didn’t have the psychological capacity both to give Anakin the clear boundaries and teaching he needed, and at the same time have this kind of ambiguity in my own thinking.

I trained Anakin as best as I could, and I tried to be the best Jedi I could be. I was keenly aware of my failings both as a Master and as a Jedi, and while I wanted to be honest with Anakin, there was a limit to how much of my questioning it was appropriate to share with him.  Perhaps if I had let him see more of my searching and internal struggles, he would have learnt to be more accepting of uncertainties and nuances himself. You know I have been concerned for some time about his tendency towards thinking in absolutes.

So you see where my thinking was, leading up to the Separatist Crisis, when we encountered each other again on Coruscant. It was so good to see you again, and at the time I genuinely just wanted us to be friends. While I was certainly questioning some aspects of Jedi life and teaching, I thought I was secure in my thinking on love, and I had no thoughts of rekindling our romance. As time went on I found myself questioning if the affection I had for you really went no further than friendship, but I pushed those questions aside. I was wrong to do so.

Then the Clone Wars began. And the conflict that threatens to tear the galaxy apart has exposed the fault lines that run through the Jedi Order.

Beliefs we long held as fundamental no longer seem secure, and questions over our identity that were once whispered in hushed conversations between us are now shouted in the holonews. We Jedi have been forced to confront the paradoxes, inconsistencies and hypocrisies at the heart of our Order, when we who call ourselves guardians of the peace are now commanders and generals of the largest army the galaxy has ever known. And, worst of all, we are very, very good at it. This war has set in motion a re-evaluation of what it means to be a Jedi and to walk in the ways of the Force, and none of us know where it will lead.

On Coruscant, between campaigns, you and I grew closer. I could confide in you about Anakin in a way I couldn’t with anyone else. You were outside the Jedi Order, and you had been there right at the beginning when Anakin came into our lives. I was under immense pressure with the war, and later with my position on the Council, and I found great comfort in being with you.

I came to depend on you in a way that went beyond friendship, and at the same time I was again questioning my views on love. The upheaval of the Clone Wars revealed they they were not as secure as I had thought. The niggling doubts that I had suppressed came back in greater force and refused to go away. I became increasingly to feel that love was good. I saw the good it brought to the lives of those around me, and I came to realise that the real harm in our own love affair came from my behaviour in its ending. 

But, as you intuited, as I was growing closer to you, I was also growing closer to Satine. Like you and I, Satine and I have a shared history, and as I supported her in her struggles with the Mandalorian Death Watch, something of those old feelings returned. Over time, my relationships with both of you began to resemble something more than a friendship. And, though I didn’t admit it even to myself, the word that would best describe how I felt towards you both was, in the end, love.

I am ashamed of how I behaved towards both of you. I was vulnerable with you both in a way that developed intimacy, while I myself was very unsure what I believed about love. I was careless with your hearts. I knew what I was doing, and it was inexcusable of me to behave in that way to both of you at the same time.

I was very close to believing again that romantic relationships are permissible for Jedi when you challenged me about my behaviour. But I was not close enough. You were right to rebuke me and to end our friendship, and I am glad for your sake that you did.

After we parted, I thought long and hard about my behaviour towards you both, and my views on love. I was forced to confront how badly I had treated you and Satine. I couldn’t do anything to make amends to you, but I still had time to make things right with Satine - or so I thought. I resolved that the next time we met, I would acknowledge what I was doing, and then - well, regardless of what happened, I would no longer be deceiving myself or misleading her.

But the next time we met, it was as Maul’s prisoners on a beaten and broken Mandalore. Satine died in my arms.

When the first fog of grief cleared, so many of my questions returned, still unanswered. Had I loved you? Had I loved Satine? If I had confronted my feelings and behaviour earlier, could I have rebuilt a relationship with you, or with her? But one thing I saw clearly. I now believed beyond all doubt that romantic love was entirely compatible with a life following the ways of the Force. It had taken Satine’s death for me to accept it, and it was too high a price to pay, but at last I knew what I believed.

For some time I just lived with that knowledge. I felt myself sinking under the weight of all the mistakes I had made, the pain I had caused you and Satine, and the many ways I had mishandled things with Anakin. But over time, I came to another realisation. And this brings me to the final reason I wanted to write to you.

I wanted to explain myself, to apologise to you, to tell you everything you deserve to know. But I also wanted to tell you that after all these years, after all the ways I have hurt you, after all my confusion and my failures and my mistakes, I can’t deny the truth: I want you, and I want to be with you.

I have hurt you in so many ways over the years, and I know that reading all this will cause you further pain. In my secret heart I dare hope you can somehow forgive me, but I know I have no right to expect this. 

I need you to know, Sabé, that one way or another, this is it for me. From now on, it’s you or no one, for the rest of my life. I don’t say this to give you an ultimatum, but because it’s the truth. I have made my decision and I will live with it in peace, whatever you decide. And if you choose to consider this, I will do whatever I can to avoid hurting you again.

I know you will ask me, what would have happened if Satine had lived? Would I have come to the same conclusion about love? Would I still have wanted to be with you? Or would I have wanted to be with Satine?

In truth, I do not know. And I do not think I can ever know. I think this is something I must simply accept, and ask you to accept too if you can, and if you want to.

I’m not expecting an answer. If you can’t reply then don’t, and if you want to refuse me then refuse me. But if, as I dare to hope that you might, you want me too, I will be waiting.

Yours, if you will have me,

Obi-Wan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was the chapter I found most difficult to write, partly because it involved mapping out all the ups and downs and twists and turns of Obi-Wan’s thinking (and there are a LOT of these), and partly because I got really angry at him on poor Sabé’s behalf! GRR I love him, but I wanted to give him a good shake at multiple points.
> 
> On a personal note (and I hope it’s ok to say this, apologies if it’s oversharing!), in writing this I was drawing partly on my experience as a Christian of wrestling with what I believe and why, seeing those around me doing the same, and seeing some of the various ways it can go. I really hope I/we respond better than Obi-Wan and with less harm to those we love, but in reality I know it’s sadly very much a mixed bag :( It’s not a direct parallel, but definitely informed how I approached this.
> 
> By the way, with my All-Knowing Author hat on I can reassure you, dear readers, that even if Satine had lived Obi-Wan would DEFINITELY still have wanted to be with Sabé. But Obi-Wan doesn’t have the benefit of that omniscience, so he’s trying to be as honest as he can with his limited knowledge.
> 
> We’re nearing the end of Sobiweek 2019! Tomorrow’s update will be two short chapters, and then it’s the eighth and final chapter on Saturday. I’m loving seeing everyone’s contributions, and sharing my own take on their relationship with you guys - thank you so much for reading, leaving kudos and commenting, it means the world <3


	6. The Decision

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the first of two shorter updates for day 6 of Sobiweek 2019

_One week later_

 

 

She found him leaving Padmé’s apartment with Anakin and Ahsoka, having been alerted by Ellé that they were there. Obi-Wan stopped in his tracks when he saw her. Sabé fought hard to keep her breathing level, but she was sure they could all hear her heart pounding.

Obi-Wan’s eyes didn’t leave her face as he spoke. “Anakin, Ahsoka, would you excuse us for a minute?”

Anakin glowered at him, then at her, then left reluctantly but without protest. Ahsoka followed him, glancing curiously at Sabé.

She waited until their footsteps had faded before speaking. “Did you mean it?” Her voice sounded very small.

“Every word,” he said softly.

“No secrecy. If you truly believe this is right, you can’t try to hide it from the Council, or from anyone.”

“No secrecy. I promise.”

“Master?” Ahsoka had reappeared beside her. “Master, I’m sorry, but Anakin says we have to get back to Master Secura.”

Obi-Wan sighed, and gestured assent to the younger Jedi. She retreated again. “I’m sorry, Sabé. I’ll come and see you afterwards?”

She nodded. He took a step towards her, hesitated, then closed the distance between them in three deliberate paces. He took her hand and pressed her palm to his lips, his eyes never leaving hers. She closed her hand around his fingers and kissed them in return.

“Obi-Wan!” Anakin had clearly lost patience with his old master.

Obi-Wan’s other hand cupped her face, gentle and strong as ever. He kissed her swiftly, rested his forehead against hers for a moment, then was gone.

She stayed where she was for some time. A noise down the corridor brought her back to herself with a start, and she realised she was just standing there outside Padmé’s apartment, staring at nothing. She smiled at herself and headed towards the exit.

She was trembling, and every nerve was singing, but somehow she felt more at peace than she had for a very, very long time.


	7. The Loss

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the second of two shorter updates for day 6 of Sobiweek 2019

_Shortly before the Battle of Yavin_

 

 

Sabé woke shortly after midnight with the sure and sudden knowledge that Obi-Wan was dead.

She couldn’t tell how she knew, only that she knew it as an absolute certainty. In that moment she realised she had felt his presence for over half her life, like a faint sound just on the edge of hearing, that you only realise you have been hearing when it stops. The abrupt lack of him was deafening.

Very quietly, so as not to wake her comrades, she got out of bed, picked up the cloak Obi-Wan had given her during her last visit to Tatooine, and headed up to one of the higher roof terraces. She sat down on a ledge, and looked out over the forests that covered much of the fourth moon of Yavin.

It was a starless night, and the sparse lights of the Rebel base illuminated little of its surroundings, so she could see the forests only as a deeper darkness below the shadow of the sky. She wrapped the cloak around her against the night’s chill. It still smelt of the desert, and of burning, and of him.

She couldn’t grieve, not yet. To grieve would be to take the first step towards adjusting to a life without him.

And so, instead, she remembered.

***

Their first kiss in the gardens of Naboo. The first time he told her he loved her, as a lakeside sunset blazed around them. The warmth of his lips, and his strong arms around her.

The pain of their separation when he left for Coruscant, and her agonised bewilderment when he ended their relationship. The ache in her soul as she tried to move on.

The tentative renewal of their friendship during the Clone Wars. All the times she had thought him dead, and the searing relief of learning that he lived. The blurring of hope and fear as their friendship inched its way towards something more again.

The moment she chose a life with him over a life without him. Their marriage ceremony, brief and solemn before he left for Ord Mantell.

Breathing in ash and soot as they clung together in desperate grief, the day they both lost their best friends. The gradual quieting of his sobs as she bathed and dressed his burns. His gentle hands showing her how to feed and burp the twins during their few brief hours together on Polis Massa.

The deep, unexpected peace she found with him on her too few, too short visits to Tatooine.  The last time she heard him laugh, and the way it warmed her soul as it always had done. The desert moonlight on his silvering hair and beard.

And the moment she awoke to a world empty of him.

***

She sat alone long into the night, in a silence deeper than any she had ever known. In time, and so slowly she was at first unaware of it, the black night gave way to a grey dawn, heavy and thick over the trees. At the very edge of the horizon, a slash of crimson showed like embers stirred up amongst ashes. The narrow gap in the sky opened, and pink fingers reached up to paint the sky a paler grey. The pink faded, and the day had begun.

And at last, one by one, her tears began to fall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please forgive me for skipping straight to Obi-Wan’s death and inflicting the sads on you with no warning!
> 
> I’m aware that by missing out the intertrilogy period I’ve skipped over the whole time they were actually together (in the relationship sense, if not always on the same planet). I’m hoping to write at little intertrilogy Sobiwan at some point, but don’t have anything yet - hopefully there were enough glimpses of happiness in this one to reassure you that their relationship hasn’t all been angst and stress!
> 
> Stay tuned for the final chapter tomorrow :)


	8. The Legacy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last day of Sobiweek! It's been such a great week, and I can't wait for the next one. Thank you SO MUCH to handmaiclen and mrstater/khaleesa for organising it!
> 
> I've had such a blast seeing and reading everyone's Sobi goodness, and I've really enjoyed sharing my take on their relationship with you. Thank you so much for reading, leaving kudos and commenting, you've made it so special :)
> 
> This last part asked to be written from Sabé’s point of view, so I obliged :)

_After the Battle of Endor_

 

 

The third time I met Luke Skywalker was some days after the Battle of Endor.

On the first wild night of victory and celebration, falling debris from the second Death Star burnt up on the moon’s energy shield, and mingled with the flares and fireworks. The revels continued over the next few days, even as the remaining Imperial forces were routed from the forests, and the Rebellion regrouped to begin the final campaign against the Empire.

It was perhaps four or five days after the Battle of Endor that I first heard reports of a controlled fire outside the main camp on that night, and put it together with earlier rumours that Luke had not returned alone from the wreck of the Death Star. We all knew he had arrived late to the celebrations, but had assumed he had been receiving medical attention, or meditating alone. Now I suspected differently.

I had seen Luke from afar on numerous occasions, since he first arrived on Yavin IV with Leia and a somewhat improbable selection of companions. My heart had stopped the first time I saw him, wearing his father’s face and his mother’s smile, sitting all-unknowing next to his twin sister. I wondered what he knew. Surely Obi-Wan had told him something, but how much?

From then on, the desire to talk to him about his past grew until it was almost painful. I had grown used to keeping secrets from Leia, but somehow it was different with Luke. I avoided him as much as possible, lest I was tempted to reveal more than I should. But whenever I found myself on the same base as him, I couldn’t help watching him.

I noticed a marked difference him after Bespin, and I didn’t think it was just due to the capture of his best friend. He had clearly been bested by Vader but had escaped alive, and this, combined with the dark mood that surrounded him, made me wonder if Vader had told him the truth -though to what end I couldn’t guess.

I kept my suspicions to myself, but when, years later, he went alone to the second Death Star to confront Vader, they resurfaced. Now, with the latest rumours, I thought I knew what had happened. Luke did know that Vader was his father, and when Vader died on the Death Star he didn’t want to leave his body to be consumed in the wreckage. So he had brought his father’s remains to Endor and made for them a pyre, following, whether he knew it or not, the customs of the Jedi.

The morning after I heard the rumours, I went in search of the pyre - even had I been able to find my way in the dark, this wasn’t a task for the night. Shortly after dawn, I found it in a clearing some way away from both the main Rebel camp and the Ewoks’ settlements. All that remained now were ashes and a few charred branches, but from the blackened scar on the earth I could tell that the fire must have burnt hot and long.

I thought back to the night of Qui-Gon’s funeral, all those long decades ago. Anakin had been there with us all, as we mourned the loss of that great Jedi Master. Obi-Wan had wept in grief for the man who had been both father and brother to him. What had Luke felt, as he watched the flames consume the body of his father, who had done such terrible things, and filled the galaxy with fear? How much did he know of the man his father had been before he was Vader, and of the boy he had been before that?

“Good morning.”

I jumped and spun round to see Luke standing a few feet behind me. Dressed in black as he usually was these days, he was almost invisible against the dark greenery. “I'm sorry,” he said. “I didn't mean to startle you. I’m Luke, Luke Skywalker.”

Recovering myself, I smiled that he might think there was anyone in the Rebellion who didn’t know who he was. But then I realised he couldn’t possibly be unaware of how famous he was, and that he was consciously choosing to ignore this fame, to put me at my ease. So I smiled again, this time at his kindness “Sabé Mesada.”

I must have looked at him for too long, because he asked curiously, “Have we met?”

 _No, but I’ve seen you before on base. It’s an honour to meet you in person._ The lie came automatically to my lips, but it died there.

How long had I been hiding the truth? Luke’s existence, Leia’s identity, Obi-Wan’s whereabouts, the fate of Anakin Skywalker - I had kept those secrets and more for nearly two decades. Who was left who knew them, and who could stop me telling Luke everything I knew? Bail? Yoda? Obi-Wan? They were all dead. For all I knew I could be the only person left who knew the truth - and I doubted I knew all of it.

Luke was still waiting, patiently, for me to reply. In an instant I made I my decision. I would tell him everything he wanted to know, as far as I could. “Yes. I’ve met you twice.”

“I don’t remember you. I must have been pretty young.”

“You were. The second time you must have been about ten.” _And you were the spitting image of your father at that age._

“On Tatooine?”

“Yes. I was visiting Obi-Wan.”

“You knew Obi-Wan?”

I took a deep breath. “I’m his wife. His widow.” The word felt strange. I’d never called myself that before.

“Oh.” I could see him searching for a response. “I didn’t know he was married.”

“Not many people did.” We hadn’t had time to tell many people of our marriage before the Republic fell, and after that - after that it became just one more secret I was keeping.

I looked at the ashes and blackened earth of the pyre. “Is it true that Vader killed him?” I’d heard different versions of Luke’s escape from the first Death Star with Leia and Han, but none of them from anyone who could have heard the truth first hand.

He nodded. “Yes.” He gestured to a nearby log. “Sit with me?” I settled myself next to him, and waited.

“We had just got Leia out of the cellblock. And that took some doing, I can tell you. Obi-Wan had gone to disable the tractor beam, to allow us to escape on the Falcon. We got back to the ship and saw Obi-Wan and Vader on the other side of the hangar, lightsabers crossed. I don’t know how long they’d been fighting.”

Luke looked down and scuffed at the dirt with the toe of his boot. Then he met my eyes again. "Obi-Wan looked at me, and - I know I wasn’t imagining it, he smiled. Then he looked back at Vader, and raised his lightsaber in a salute. Vader cut him down. He sacrificed himself to save us, Sabé. We owe him our lives. All of us, not just Han and Leia and Chewie and I - the whole galaxy."

It was the death Obi-Wan had always been going to die - not being conquered in battle, not succumbing to illness or old age, but willingly giving his life to save those he loved, and those he had never met. Obi-Wan had told me once that Jedi rarely die of old age, and I suspected he had known for some time that it would end like this, in one final confrontation with his former apprentice and best friend.

It almost seemed like Luke was following my thoughts. “You knew Obi-Wan - did you know my father?” There was such hope and such sorrow in his eyes that I knew he _knew_.

“Yes, Luke. I knew your father. We weren’t friends, but I knew him.”

Luke looked down, and when he raised his head there were tears on his cheeks. “There was good in him, still. Right at the end.”

“I can believe it.” And, somehow, I could. “Your mother was right about him.”

His eyes widened in amazement. “You knew my mother too?”

I nodded. “She was one of my closest friends.”

His blue gaze was full of wonder, and I was suddenly filled with compassion for this young man who had lost so much, and was only now beginning to discover who he was. I had knowledge that could help him, and I suddenly realised what a privilege this was. And so I began my last gift to Padmé.

“Luke, your life has been surrounded by secrets since before you were born, and the number of people who know those secrets is dwindling. Certainly there’s no one left alive who has the authority to stop me telling you everything I know, if that’s what you want.”

For a long while he didn’t reply, but sat staring at the remains of his father’s pyre. Then he turned to me and smiled. “I would like that. Thank you. But - perhaps not everything, not just yet? It’s rather a lot to take in.”

I nodded. “Of course. Whenever you’re ready.”

He seemed to consider for a while, and when he spoke his tone and manner were much lighter. “Tell me about Obi-Wan. How did you meet?”

I smiled to think of those early days. “He saved my life. Well, he and his master did. They saved all our lives. I was eighteen and in service to your mother, and our planet had been occupied, by puppets of what became the Empire. He and his master rescued us, brought us to safety on Coruscant, and returned with us to free our planet. Naboo.”

“The Emperor’s homeworld?”

“That’s right. And Palpatine was working even then to enslave the galaxy, though we didn’t realise it until long after the fall of the Republic.”

“What was he like? Obi-Wan, I mean. I can’t really imagine him . . .” he trailed off.

“Young?”

He looked slightly sheepish. “Well, yes.”

“He was . . . like no one I’d ever met before. He was kind, and wise, and strong, and brave. In those days, when danger was everywhere, he was the only thing that really made me feel safe. It didn’t take me long to fall in love with him, though it look me a little longer to realise that’s what had happened.

“He had a keen sense of right and wrong, and of duty, which I suppose you’d expect in a Jedi. Once he believed something was right, he would do it, whatever the cost. Training your father, fighting in the Clone Wars, watching over you on Tatooine - they weren’t things he’d ever expected to do, but when it became clear they were what was needed he devoted himself to them, and no one could have done better.”

The sun was just beginning to peek over the tops of the trees. In the clear light Luke’s hair was the colour of the desert he had grown up in. “Did you see Obi-Wan much on Tatooine? I was never sure.”

“No, not really. When I was a kid, I’d sometimes go with Aunt Beru to visit him, bring him a few things he needed, and occasionally he would call at the farm. Uncle Owen never exactly made him welcome. As I got older, I’d sometimes see him at market, or if I was sick, but apart from that he kept himself to himself. We all thought he was just a crazy old hermit.” He flashed me a surprisingly cheeky grin. “I didn’t realise he did much entertaining, up in that old hut of his.”

“He didn’t,” I retorted. “I wasn’t able to visit very often. We couldn’t trust comms channels for anything concerning you, so Bail Organa sent me to check on you both from time to time. I’d pass on news of the Rebellion, such as it was back then, and offer any help we could. Which wasn’t much.”

“Oh. I didn’t realise . . . I was being watched like that.”

“You were being protected. We didn’t know how much the Empire knew, but we thought that Vader and the Emperor at least knew about you. You were sent to Tatooine because we knew Vader would never set foot there.”Some day he would learn why, but not now. “And we suspected -” I hesitated. Did he really need to know this?

“Tell me,” he said softly.

“We suspected that Vader would never let anyone harm you, unless it was himself.”

He looked down at his hand, the one that wore a black glove. “You were right.”

I’d heard about Luke’s missing hand - along with most the Rebel Alliance, or so it seemed. Our medics were famously tight-lipped, but there had been other patients in the medbay, and gossip travelled fast in the Rebellion.

When he spoke again his voice was quiet, distant. “Sometimes, at night, after I’d gone to bed, Obi-Wan would visit my aunt and uncle. They thought I was asleep, but I could hear them talking, though not what they were saying. I always wondered what they were talking about. Now I guess I know. And now I know why Uncle Owen hated my father.”

“He didn’t hate him, Luke, he -”

“Yes, he did. He hid it well, but it’s true. Did you ever want to stay on Tatooine with Obi-Wan?”

The change of subject took me by surprise, but I was determined to answer all his questions as best I could. “Every time. But it wouldn’t have been a good idea. One strange man, living all alone in the desert - someone like that can avoid most contact with others. But two people, a couple - that’s twice the risk of meeting someone who might suspect something. And -”

I stopped. But I made myself speak the words. “And I couldn’t do it. Life in the desert is hard, Luke. And to live it alone, with only Obi-Wan, with no friends, and nothing to do in life except survive - I couldn’t do it. I thought I could, and I wanted to, I wanted to so much at the beginning, but - Obi-Wan would’t let me. He knew I couldn’t do it.” It had been the worst fight of our lives, and one I’d never told anyone about. “He said his Jedi training meant he was equipped for the life he would need to live, and that without that I wouldn’t manage. I said, how dare you decide what I am and am not capable of, how dare you try to make this decision for me. But he wouldn’t give way.

“In the end, it was only when Bail persuaded me that it was safer for you if Obi-Wan went alone that I gave in. And - and I had something else to do.” I had been tasked with accompanying Padmé’s body to Naboo, and with telling her parents the awful truth of what had really happened. It was a risk, but they deserved to know the truth behind whatever lies the Empire would tell, and Bail suspected the Empire would target them anyway, regardless of what they knew. In the end he was right.

This wasn’t the right time for me to tell Luke all this, and he seemed to sense it because he didn’t prompt me to elaborate further. “So I didn’t stay. And in time I came to realise that Obi-Wan was right; I couldn’t have done it. But it took me a long time to forgive him.”

Luke was gazing unseeing into the trees on the other side of the glade. Eventually, he spoke. “Sabé, can I ask you something?”

I smiled. What else had he been doing so far? “Of course.”

“You and Obi-Wan were married. In the old stories about the Jedi, they said all Jedi took a vow of celibacy.”

I managed to stop my smile before it reached my lips. “Well, they didn’t. Some of them might have done, but it certainly wasn’t a requirement. Jedi beliefs on love, and sex, and marriage . . . varied.” It had all been so long ago, but still I felt the pain that Obi-Wan’s deliberations on this had caused.

“Obi-Wan believed it was allowed?”

“Eventually.” I made a guess and took a liberty. “Have you met someone?”

He shook his head. “No. At least not that I know of. But with Leia and Han . . . it’s made me wonder what I’d do if I did meet someone. I don’t know what Jedi are supposed to do about this kind of thing.”

“I’m afraid I can’t help you with that,” I said, then realised it wasn’t true. “At least, I can’t advise you what you should believe as a Jedi.”

He looked at me curiously. “Go on.”

“Luke, loving a Jedi, at least for a non-Jedi, is -” I searched for a word to describe it, and failed. I’d tried to explain this to one or two people before, but had talked myself into knots. This was the first time I had spoken to someone I felt might actually understand.

“For me, with Obi-Wan, it was as if once I loved him and he loved me, I was bound to him. From then on, whether we were together or apart, that bond remained. Even when he decided he couldn’t be with me, or I decided I couldn’t be with him, I was still tied to him. I never really had a chance of being with someone else - I always felt like I was betraying Obi-Wan. It took someone saving my life for me to think I was in love with him, and he wasn’t a good man. Though I was blind to that at first.

“Then Obi-Wan came back into my life, and though I convinced myself we could just be friends it was never going to be possible. When I needed to put distance between us I didn’t, until it was almost too late.”

“But you married him.”

“Yes. But not for some time. He recognised what he had done and how he had hurt me, and he had learnt some lessons in the most painful way possible. And in the end - in the end it came down to a life with him, or a life without him. And I chose a life with him. I’m not some helpless victim of destiny, at least I don’t believe I am, and I don’t regret my choice. But the bond between us - I can’t say I believe it was wholly a good thing.”

I took a breath, and readied myself to say the words I’d needed to say for some time. “He was a good man, the best, and I loved him with everything I had. But now he’s gone, I feel - free. Isn’t that a terrible thing to say about the love of your life?”

He didn’t reply. “I’m not saying all this discourage you, or to scare you off love. And I’m not saying that if I had known what loving Obi-Wan would mean, I would have resisted it. But I do wish that he had been honest with me sooner about what could happen. So I can’t advise you that as a Jedi you should or should not love. But - be careful. Please. For your sake, and the sake of whoever you may love, now or in the future.”

He looked somehow older than he had before, and his voice was solemn. “I will. I promise.”

He was silent for a long while. I wondered what he was thinking.

Eventually he turned to me. “Sabé, you said that on Tatooine was the second time you met me. When was the first?”

During a brief, precious interlude on the darkest day of our lives, Obi-Wan and I had sat alone with the twins on Polis Massa. He had fed Leia while Luke slept in my arms, and the only sounds were the gentle hum of equipment, and the soft, warm noises of the contented twins. Then Bail had returned for Leia, Obi-Wan had left with Luke for Tatooine, and I had set out with Padmé on her final journey. I found I couldn’t speak.

Luke reached out and took my hand. There was warmth and compassion in his blue eyes, so like his father's and yet so unlike. In that moment I felt close to him in a way I never had with anyone, even Obi-Wan. I gripped his hand, tightly.

I found my voice. “Your mother would be proud of you, Luke. Everything you’ve done, everything you’ve become. And Obi-Wan too. And your father -” I searched for something I could say and believe. “I think you are everything your father wanted to be.”

“Thank you.” His voice was thick with emotion. “That means a lot.”

“Luke!” I recognised the distant voice as Han’s, and there was no mistaking Chewbacca’s call that accompanied it. “Breakfast!”

I hadn’t realised how far the morning had advanced, and from the surprise in Luke’s face he hadn’t either. It filled me with a fierce, painful joy that he had friends who noticed when he was missing, and who made sure he ate.

He shook his blonde head as if to clear it. “Well,” he said, standing up and reaching out a hand. “Breakfast?”

I smiled up at the hope of the galaxy, for whom Obi-Wan and I had sacrificed a life together. I took his hand. “Breakfast.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Sobiweek extension gave me the opportunity to write this last chapter, so thanks handmaiclen and mrstater/khaleesa!
> 
> In the end I think this fic would have been incomplete without it, as we get to hear Sabe's reflections on her relationship with Obi-Wan. She has a clearer view now on the more difficult and ambiguous parts of their relationship, and has made her peace with them. Also, no relationship exists in a vacuum, and theirs existed in a context of near-constant galactic peril, so I was glad of the opportunity to put their relationship in that context. Plus I got to introduce my headcanon of her and Luke being friends :)
> 
> Thank you again for journeying with me through the Sobi-ups and Sobi-downs, and roll on next Sobiweek :)


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